Content warning: these are a bit dicier than my last collection. I will safely slap and R-rating on them and say hide the young’uns!
“Parents of the Year”
We tell our kids the phantom footsteps are the house settling, that the tapping on their window is a tree branch in the wind. Now if we could just come up with a logical explanation for the chainsaw noise from the basement last night, or where our pesky neighbor disappeared to.
I tried to get into the house the ‘legal’ way–do the knock and talk thing before serving my warrant. Finally, I had to use a shotgun on the deadbolt…at the exact moment that six year old was struggling to open the door.
“The Devil on Hollywood Boulevard”
They say you can’t succeed in showbiz unless you sell your soul, although there are some who don’t and still manage to make it. Not true: I’ve collected every soul of every fame seeker since 1906.
Why I said I left: it was getting a little too weird for me.
Why I really left: I could hear him in his office every night with that thing, chanting, praying, making odd noises, and when I peeked in there in the morning there were flecks of blood on the desk and walls.
“Define Your Terms”
She said she wanted to take me to heaven. I didn’t know she meant it literally, or that a chainsaw would be involved.
“Don’t Judge a Book”
They said what was a nice girl like me doing alone in a graveyard at night. That was the last thing anyone heard them say.