Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Stephen King.

(Yes, I’m a fan. In case you hadn’t noticed.)

1. In fact, you can’t go home again. Or you shouldn’t. (‘Salem’s Lot.)

2. Keep that damn pre-owned Pinto you just had to buy in good condition. (Cujo.)

3. Don’t drive alone on a dangerous mountain road in a snowstorm. Better yet, don’t drive in a snowstorm. (Misery.)

4. When someone tells you to quit smoking, just freaking quit already. (“Quitters, Inc.”)

5. When someone expects you to give your story an ending that actually makes them happy, you should make them happy. Especially if she has an axe. (Misery.)

6. Don’t buy the house next to the big road. Seriously. (Pet Sematary.)

7. If everyone in your small town starts to change bizarrely and inexplicably, it’s really okay to pick up, move and start over somewhere else. (The Tommyknockers.)

8. Know that local curiosity shop everyone is totally obsessed with? Try Ikea instead. (Needful Things.)

9. About that bondage game your husband wants to play while the two of you are in the remotest possible location alone together…skip it. (Gerald’s Game.)

10. Are you a blocked writer? For god’s sake, stay out of Maine.

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